So you see, a cat is a fine role model for any Princess. Felines give new meaning to the word ?cool?. Despite their imperious ways, they?re good friends to have. What could be more comforting than someone who snuggles up and purrs beside you at every opportunity? And as the veterinarian and writerFernand Mery once said, ?With the qualities of cleanliness, affection, patience, dignity and courage that cats have, how many of us, I ask you, would be capable of becoming cats??
There?s only one way to find out…
Your Day as a Cat: a ?Do-It-Yourself? Workshop
? Begin the day whenever. Alarms aren?t for pussies.
? Roll around for a while, enjoying the sumptuous bliss of your warm bed with its soft sheets and luxurious duvet.
? Find someone who can assemble a meal and demand breakfast loudly. It doesn?t matter if they get impatient. Be firm and persistent without compromising that endearing cuteness. Remember, it?s all about the big eyes, innocent expression, and helpless vulnerability: ?Who will feed me, if you don?t?? If breakfast is not immediately forthcoming, you can allow a little anger into your sweet mewling voice.
? Inspect the food and feel free to appeal for something better if it?s not up to your usual standards. It?s also fine to leave half of it. The implicit promiseis that you?ll eat it later, but obviously you won?t, it?ll be all congealed and gross. Kitties love freshness!
? After your delicious breakfast, you might want to have a little snooze; a warm bed in winter, a sunny patch of grass in summer. If you can leave your hairs all over someone else?s blankets, that?s ideal. Extra points if you sleep in a cosy corner and nobody knows where you are ? if you have to wedge yourself into unnatural postures, so much the better.
? Time to preen! When waking up, take the time to give yourself a refreshing and thorough going-over. (Cleanliness is next to Catliness.) If people want to watch, it?s understandable; it?s not your problem if they get an eyeful of your private bathing habits and feel embarrassed. Simply meet their eyes with a dispassionate expression and resume your unruffled ablutions.
? Do your nails. (The cat life is all about pampering yourself.)
? Food time! Yes, again! Announce your rights for culinary excellence, loud and proud.
? It?s fun to check out what other people are up to. Of course, you would never be seen doing anything as obviously needy as wanting to hang out. Instead, trail after the lucky object of your desire as if you JUST HAPPENED to be going that way anyway. If they?re very slow, encourage them to speed up by stepping as close to their feet as you can get.
? Practise scornful looks in the mirror. If you can?t muster up the necessary aggression, a blank stare can be just as unsettling for your chosen victim. A bitchy resting face can be a surprisingly effective way of maintaining your authority when annoying visitors arrive.
? If people give you great presents, show your thankfulness; a little bit of drool never hurt anyone and a damp, chewed toy is a loved toy. Obviously, if the gift isn?t sparkly or bright enough, you can ignore it.
? It?s time to get some love. Find a person or persons who will devote sufficient time to your adoration. Back massage, gentle ear-pulling and smooth strokes down the neck should do the trick. Be sure to vocalise your delight.
? People can try to ignore you, but they will fail. Get right up in their faces when you require attention, knock things over and make a noise to get them to come running and find out what?s going on. You could also try scratching up something they value ? they may yell, but you?ll have their undivided attention.
? If they?re trying to do something else, it?s perfectly reasonable to interrupt. How can anyone work at a computer when they could be cuddling with you? Simply lie across it. Audacious moves win hearts!
? Practise sitting with ladylike poise, and sashaying around with delicate, slinky moves. If you want to test your hunting skills at the local meat market, try hypnotising your chosen victim with a direct gaze and slow, friendly blinks. If dancing?s more your thing, perform some cat-like butt wiggles before pouncing on your prey.
? Just like any purebred, you may attract more attention than you want with your sleek looks and sultry shimmies. Cats are usually fairly polite when refusing affection; as they push away over-keen fans with a firm but gentle paw, they keep their claws sheathed ? but you can still see them glinting through the fur. The message is always: ?I don?t want to hurt you… but I will if I have to.?
? Forget going out if it means venturing into nasty cold rain. Instead, as the evening draws in find a soft, warm person to sit on. You might find it helpful to use a gently clawing massage technique to encourage them to keep up the loving caresses.
? Mmmm……. sleeeeeeeppp……..
After spending the day as a cat, you should be feeling refreshed and serene, with added confidence, a sexy walk and a new appreciation for the simple pleasures in life.